Corporate Spokesman Mr. Penis Wrinkle Could Not Be Reached For Comment...

Today I conducted an experiment. I decided to friend a packaged good on MySpace.
First I tried Clorox. It’s a brand I have some heart for. I like to get whites their whitest and colors their brightest. So I typed in www.myspace.com/clorox. And what did I find?

Well, apparently the url has been claimed by a 24 year old man who goes by the nom du plume “Penis Wrinkle.” I am not making this up. He likes to skateboard in old empty pools. Since I don’t imagine that Clorox wanted to be associated with penises, least of all wrinkled ones, I thought it best to move on. I am fairly certain this is not an official site.

Next I tried www.myspace.com/colgate. There I “met” a 20 year old woman who’s motto is “R.I.P. to all the females dying to be me!!!” While she has lovely teeth, I am guessing that this is not an official company page either.

My visit to www.myspace.com/pepsi was rather more graphic than the others. An 18 year old Ohio resident has his profile set to private, but did see fit to broadcast the motto “Respect the (vulgar slang term for a part of the male anatomy beginning with the letter c.) And tame the (vulgar slang term for a part of the female anatomy beginning with the letter c.)” Ah, the leaders of tomorrow…

I tried some non packaged goods as well. www.myspace.com/oldsmobile was instructive. I am of course aware that Oldsmobile is no more. But it seemed an intriguing thread to follow precisely because of that. The url is that of a 20 year old Chicopee Massachusetts native who’s aspiration is to meet “A lot of hot women.”

And so it was for about 20 minutes until I found www.myspace.com/spraynwash, a page that featured a beauty shot of the pump bottle in the photo section. Was this what I was looking for?

Spraynwash, according to the profile, is 40 years old, male, a citizen of the world though his heart belongs in Tennessee. His motto: “Better than Shout® and Oxyclean®” Whoever made the page even remembered to include the circle rs on the competitive brand names, which I found rather gallant.

Here’s what Spraynwash had to say: “Hi, I'm Spray 'n Wash. I spend most of my free time in washing machines, fighting tough stains. I guess you could say it's my job. When I'm not at work I'm usually sitting on the shelf above the dryer, minding my own business. I don't really get along with the Clorox, but the detergents seem to accept me. I'm not seeing anyone right now, but if the opportunity arises I may jump on it. Anyway, that's pretty much me.”

I was intrigued to say the least. Did we have friends in common? I spent a lot of years marketing cleaning products, so there’s always that possibility.

Alas poor SpraynWash has only one friend. A man named Joel Malin, who bills himself as a Christian/Garage/Indie musician. I liked his music. And needless to say, his clothes look very clean. Actually he looks like an excellent friend, so perhaps SpraynWash is rather luckier then the Tila Tequilas with all their fair weather gawkers. Quality over quantity and all that.

But that’s too philosophical for shallow me. Here’s my point. There is all this brand real estate out there that we are not claiming. We worry about the content adjacent to our banners, while in some of the most popular and active venues on the web, men named Penis Wrinkle claim urls containing our brand names.

Now, in some cases, these homesteaders are brand advocates. But in others, your brand will be tied to respecting some body parts and taming others.

I want to emphasize that I am not suggesting that “If you build it, they will come.” Lots of brands are not the sort of entities that people naturally will gravitate to friending. But given the explosive growth of social networks, it might make sense to at least claim the page and put up a little product info.

Thanks for reading, and don’t forget to write.